Why am I here?

As way of introduction for my first entry into this blog, I am first and foremost, a follower of Jesus Christ and always and ever endeavoring to be all that He desires me to be. Secondly, I am a wife. Next, I am a mother and a step-mother. These three roles truly make-up my joys, my sorrows, my struggles and my triumphs.
As a Christian, I have been on fire, spurred on by good works, meditating in His word day and night, filled with His joy and praying without ceasing; but I have also turned away from God, lived for my own carnal desires, been lukewarm (at best) and in grave danger of being "spat out of" His mouth. On the mountain-top of my faith, I learned to hide His word in my heart as a student of Chemistry memorizes the Periodic Chart; I studied Greek to have better knowledge of what words like propitiation, sacrifice, redemption and justification meant and I got a very good "handle" of things that Christian's are "supposed" to do: read my bible every day, memorize verses, write in my journal, fast, pray, tithe, serve, etc. But, not until I was tired of running the race and sick of "doing" my faith, not until I decided to hang my crowns for Christ on the bookshelf next to my bible(s) and journals and follow hard after the desires of my flesh, did I really begin to understand what it meant that, while I was still a sinner, Christ died for me! He didn't love me more when I was being "religious" or dutifully serving in a church somewhere. Was I more effective for Him and His kingdom in those times when I was praying and reading and fellowshipping with fellow believers? Perhaps! But did He love me more? Absolutely not!

What a better way to see God's love for the world, the sinners and the saints, then to basque in it when I was abundantly aware that I did not deserve it.

It was during this time of wallowing in the miry clay, before I turned back to Him and allowed Him once again to set my feet upon the ROCK, that I met, fell in love with, conceived a child with (yes, in that order) and married my husband. We are unequally yoked! My husband knows God, to what extent, I do not know, nor is it for me to judge - but I pray for His salvation every day. I long to have a partner raising our children in the way that they should go so that when they are old, they will not depart from it. My husband is kind and thoughtful. He is a great listener and a wonderful counselor and provider. Our family has never been "without" , but only because we are covered by the blessings that God bestows upon me. Oh how much more do I long for my husband to be our covering! He "allows" me to participate in the disciplines of Christianity that I know to be essential to a strong and fruitful walk with the Lord. He has watched me move from lukewarm to on-fire and has given me space to do so personally and publicly: with my time, with our finances and with our children. Despite a drastic change in our income, he has never once batted an eye at my desire to stay home with our four children (I worked until my last pregnancy and was forced home, but more on that later), and never ever hung anything over my head that doesn't make "sense" to less faithfully minded person.

So, as I daily seek God's will for my life and where and how to better serve the Lord, my husband and my children, through prayers and fastings, God has lead me to such an obvious place, a place in my bible underlined, highlighted and committed to memory; a place, however, that I always saw as an unattainable ideal and certainly not, until this week, a formula for God's design for me as an excellent wife, a successful homemaker, a wise teacher, a generous saint and a well-rounded woman of God - Proverbs 31:10-31

Who can find a virtuous wife?
For her worth is far above rubies.
The heart of her husband safely trusts her;
So he will have no lack of gain.
She does him good and not evil
All the days of her life.
She seeks wool and flax,
And willingly works with her hands.
She is like the merchant ships,
She brings her food from afar.
She also rises while it is yet night,
And provides food for her household,
And a portion for her maidservants.
She considers a field and buys it;
From her profits she plants a vineyard.
She girds herself with strength,
And strengthens her arms.
She perceives that her merchandise is good,
And her lamp does not go out by night.
She stretches out her hand to the distaff,
And her hand holds the spindle.
She extends her hand to the poor,
Yes, she reaches out her hands to the needy.
She is not afraid of snow for her household,
For all her household is clothed with scarlet.
She makes tapestry for herself;
Her clothing is fine linen and purple.
Her husband is known in the gates,
When he sits among the elders of the land.
She makes linen garments and sells them.
And supplies sashes for the merchants.
Strength and honor are her clothing;
She shall rejoice in time to come.
She opens her mouth with wisdom,
And on her tongue is the law of kindness.
She watches over the ways of her household,
And does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children rise up and call her blessed;
Her husband also, and he praises her:
Many daughters have done well,
But you exceed them all.
Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing,
But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.
Give her of the fruit of her hands,
And let her own works praise her in the gates